Tag Archives: parenting

How Dads Matter

Gerald R. Ford and Son (Source: Wikimedia Commons, PD-US Gov't)

Gerald R. Ford and Son (Source: Wikimedia Commons, PD-US Gov’t)

A pet peeve of mine is hearing people suggest that fathers are not important.  Or that fathers are the bumbling idiots you see on tv sitcoms.

Here is a video about the importance of dads.  Feminism is nice for equal rights and all, but let’s not forget that mothers are mothers and fathers are fathers.  The video is 15 minutes, but worth watching.  If that’s too long (or not), check out the two articles below from Psychology Today:

Here’s an article about the difference between a father being there and not being there.

Don’t skip this one even though it’s last.  Here are some really powerful statistics that will make you want to go hug your husband and thank your dad.

Thanks, Dad.

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Mommy and Me Road Rage

How do I get there?  Source: Wikimedia Commons, PD-US Government

How do I get there? Source: Wikimedia Commons, PD-US Government

I was driving near an urban mall just a few days before Christmas. Traffic was crawling at about one block per half hour. My Pre-K son started making unhappy noises.  I don’t mean crying, I mean random noises, like “AAAAH” and “OOOOH” to relieve boredom or frustration.  I failed to identify the sentiment as bored or frustrated, though.  I interpreted it as uncooperative and annoying.

To escape traffic, I chose a longer route.  No escape.  Now I was on the longer route, traveling at one block per half hour.  My son kept making noise.  Annoyed, I kept asking him to be quiet.  Both of us kept raising our voices, trying to win.  Eventually, I was screaming myself hoarse, hoping that eventually, he would give up or get scared or gain a solemn respect for me.  But instead, he matched me decibel for decibel.  If decibels were drinks, we both would have been under the table.  Oh, and also, I had a pounding headache.

Over the years, we went through many variations on this theme.  Son pulls daughter’s hair while mom screams for him to stop.  Or, father drives, son kicks mom’s seat, mom grabs son’s foot, daughter is crying.

Car troubles are definitely worse when the child’s tantrum triggers a mom-tantrum.  For kids, a tantrum can be a last-ditch effort to control a situation when they don’t know what else to do.  This is the same for moms.  At least for me.  It’s when I’m at my wits’ end that I yell and threaten.  It’s when I feel stuck or overwhelmed and can’t think of anything else to do.

It took years for us to get to the point of consistently good drives (I’m a slow learner).  I used to look for the magic phrase to say, or the magic time-out technique.  Now, I’ve recognized that my demeanor is more important than my technique.  Of course, recognizing is only the first step.  Practicing takes longer.  Years later, my kids still make unhappy noises.  I still yell sometimes.  I even found an effective technique, but it only works when I am calm.  Actually, the technique helps me stay calm, because I have a plan.

The technique is this.  I won’t drive angry.  If I feel like I’m getting angry, I pull over.  Then, I sit quietly while the kids fuss or whatever.  Eventually, one will ask, “Can we go now?”  My answer is that we can go when they have been still and quiet for two minutes.  Early on, it could take up to an hour to achieve two minutes in a row of quiet.  My point is to let them learn to quiet themselves.  If son is hurting daughter, I will let daughter sit up front with me while we wait for calm in our parking space.  After the quiet time, we move on.  We talk about what caused the disagreement, and what each party could have done to de-escalate it.  Sometimes we talk as we drive on, or if it has been a particularly difficult time, we talk before we drive on.  The waits have gotten shorter and less frequent.

We even managed a drive from Ohio to Texas.  The kids started arguing before we got through Ohio.  I told them, “No arguing until we get to Arkansas.  Then, you are allowed to have a great big blowout.  But not before then.”  I guess this seemed weird enough to surprise them into behaving — all the way to Arkansas!  We were actually in Arkansas when they started arguing again.  “It’s ok to argue now,” I told them.  “You waited until Arkansas, and now you can have a big fight.”  They paused. “But do you want to fight?” I asked.  Amazingly, they stopped right then and there.  We made it all the way to Texas with no fighting.  Holy sigh of relief, Batman!

The big lesson for me is that when I am more calm, the kids are more calm.  When I am overwhelmed, they are overwhelmed.  The better I learn to handle my own tantrums, the better the kids handle theirs.  Drive on, mom!

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Nice Things About Motherhood

I Love You, Mom

I’m going to take a break from analyzing and agonizing and appreciate how things are now.  This is in memory of Jane, who liked to say, “What a wonderful now.”

Ten nice things about my motherhood experience:

1.  My children are exuberant, interesting, and compassionate.

2. I’ve gotten a much better understanding of my parents and in-laws, now that I am a parent myself.

3. I’ve had to learn to be less serious and play more.

4. The kids talked me into getting a cat, and I really like our cat.

5. I can see tangible results from all the soul-searching and personal change I went through.

6. I think my children generally trust me and can talk to me about sensitive subjects.

7. I got to find out what a wonderful father my husband is.

8. I’m learning a lot of things I hadn’t learned before, like patience and relationship-building and raising tadpoles.

9. I love sitting on the couch, snuggling with the kids.

10. Things finally are more how I hoped they would be, and less how I feared they would be.

These are just the first ten that popped into my head, and not a complete list.  What is nice about motherhood for you?

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Haiku: What’s on YOUR Car’s Back Seat?

Pennies, bottle caps

Scissors, acorns, stuck candy

On my car’s back seat

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Haiku: Playground Advice

Detail of sandbox with toys

I heard a mom’s words

At the park:

Don’t take your lollipop in the sand.

– Copyright Christine (MomLikeABomb.com), 2013

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